More Hooch's Dog Humour

A Doggy Dictionary

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of tea or coffee.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered sofa in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GOOSE BUMP: A manoeuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

RUBBISH BIN: A container that your neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

Christmas Etiquette For Dogs

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules for trees that may be in other people's houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm big time.

A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

Dog In The Jungle

A wild dog is running through the jungle.

While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now."

Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

The Best Part About Owning A Dog...

... is the way he will come over to see me, for no reason,
just to let me know I'm important to him...
... is the way he is always ready to lick the jelly off my nose...
... is the way he looks into my eyes and finds contentment in
simply being near me...
... is the way he will run all over the yard, fetch a soggy tennis
ball and bring it back to me as if to say "look mum, it's all
I have, but it's yours...
... is the way he wakes me up in the morning by pushing his
cold wet nose in my ear and snuffing loudly...
... is the way he shreds toilet paper all over the house, because
it's fun even though he knows he shouldn't...
... is the way he's sure he can catch the ducks in the lake today...
... is the way he comes over to me when he is sad...
... is the way he wedges himself near me when I am sad and push
all others away, to console me with his love...
... is the way he pounces on crickets in the backyard...
... is the way he looks perplexed when they escape...
... is the way he is terrified of the evil pink hula hoop...
... is the way he doesn't mind how much of that horrid
perfume I'm wearing just because it was a gift from my
relative who's visiting...
... is the way he doesn't care about bad hair day or overdue bills...
... is the way he loves you, even when you are impatient with him
and have no time this morning for a game of tug-a-war...
... is the way his coat feels like liquid silk under my fingers...
... is the way he finds wisdom beyond words...