Hooch's Dog Humour Page

DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything
while you're gone.

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

You Know You're A Dog Person When...

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but he understands.

You have little songs that you sing to your dog, and he always wags when you sing, even though you can't carry a tune.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let him kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Hooch, pee!" over and over again, while Hooch tends to play and forget what he's out there for (but what your neighbours think of your behaviour is yet another story).

You meet someone when out walking your dogs and you introduce your dogs first.

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build him a small staircase so he can climb onto the bed by himself.

You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog.

You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.

All of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society groups.

You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).

You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.

You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.

You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.

You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs his walk.

You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.

Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog, remember his birthday, and send him greeting cards and gifts.

Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.

Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).

You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, his other dish is way down on the first floor...).

Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.

You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).

You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all his favourite spots.

You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.

You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.

And the number one reason you know you're a dog person:

Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension with medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say, honestly, that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against colour, creed, religion, or politics...

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

8. 'Cause dogs aren't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manoeuvre.

3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS

( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )